FILMIKHABAR

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Unless you have moved to Mars, you probably know by now that  Kamaal R Khan has approached  SRK for his  mega budget superhero movie called “Mahdi, the ultimate superhero”.  To set the records straight we called SRK ‘s  office to confirm.  SRK’s  manager  informed us that indeed SRK has received the script from Kamaal R  Khan, but due to his injury and busy schedule, SRK has yet to read it.   

On further investigation we were able to ascertain that Kamaal R Khan had also approached Amir Obama,  Hritikh Roshan,  Askhay Kumar and a few other  for the same role.  One of them,  was so visibly upset by Kamaal R Khan’s double timing that he gave us a page  of the script that he had received. Hence Ladies and Gentlemen, my fellow members, I am proud to present to you the leaked portions from Kamaal R Khan’s “Mahdi, the ultimate superhero”.  

In the capital of a Middle Eastern kingdom, it is “Arabian Idol” night.  The leaders and rain makers of the Arabian world have come together this night at the new Halliburtan Center on the equally new Simon Wiesenthal  Boulevard. The contest is about to begin.

The first contestant is George Bush, he comes on the stage like some royal primadonna , and sings in his now infamous Texan twang,  

"Yaar dildaar tooje kaisa chaheeye, deen chaheeye, ke dunya chaheeye”

While George Bush struts like a peacock on the stage, Ronald Reagan turns in his grave, his vision for the Republicans blurred in the hands of compromised leadership.

Prince Baladi Bankasi stands up, blows  a kiss to Bush and shouts out loud, “We want you Booosh, we want you my Habibi”. Everyone nods, one even asks, “Is  Boooosh joking ? Does he seriously think that there will be any takers for Deen in the Middle East? Religion my friend has long vanished from this region, now it is all Politics “

Ahmedinejad, comes up next, he sings,

“Yeh duniya, yeh mehfil, tere kaam ki nahin, tere kaam ki nahin”

People start booing and throwing rotten tomatoes,  sadly he is not even allowed to complete the song, guards rush in to throw him out. Some people wonder how he got into the contest, while  a few in the audience also wondered why free speech does not apply to all ? Why is it that even jokes and parodies when they  mock us is OK , but in return we cannot even speak our minds or talk to each other?

NYC Times’ reporter in the audience twitters, “Ahmeddinejad has just threatened to blow up the world”.

Tony Blair is hurriedly pushed in to calm the audience down . He comes dressed like Ranbir Kapoor in Saboreiya, wearing just a towel.  To the steps of “Jeb Se Tere Naina” he sings,

"Aaadmi hoon aadmi se pyar karta hoon”

While dancing, Mr Blair allows the towel to slip a little (once in a while) so as to reveal his newly acquired Brazilian. With pouted lips and targeted winks Tony makes it abundantly clear that he is willing to allow a select few in the audience to have their way with him, as long as Britain the nation can have its way with Middle East.  A Sheikh from Q8 seeing Tony’s towel dance, SMSes to his architect to start work on Palace # 2009.

Slowly walking away from the audience with exaggerated swinging hips , Tony then breaks out into,

“Phoolon ke rang se, dil kee kalam se, tuz ko likhee roj baatein
kaise bataaoo kis kis tarah se, pal pal muze too satataa

tere hee sapane lekar ke soyaa, tere hee yaadon mein jaagaa
tere khayaalon mein ulzaa rahaa yoo jaise ke maalaa mein dhaagaa

baadal bijalee chandan paanee, jaisaa apanaa pyaar
lenaa hongaa janam humei kaee kaee baar
itanaa madeer, itanaa madhoor teraa meraa pyaar
lenaa hogaa janam humei kaee kaee baar”

The crowd now goes crazy. They start whistling & ululating. A few extra virile men in the audience start making a mental list of names that they could potentially give to their child from Tony. Ahmeddinejad is all but forgotten. Little does this audience know or care that this is exactly how Rome too was built on gold stolen from Egypt. This audience is just mesmerized by Tony’s grooming choice.  

Benjamin Netanyahu sensing an opportunity comes in next. Obama’s recent coldness towards Israel is weighing him down.  Hoping to win over some new support he sings,

"Koi humdum na raha, koi sahara na raha, hum kissike na rahe, koi humara na raha “

Netanyahu lets a few crocodile tears trickle out of his eyes while emphasizing, “Koi sahara na raha”. Seeing Netanyahu cry, the audience starts sobbing.  Saudis get up and pledge that come next summer they will back Netanyahu’s brutal adventure in Lebanon. Egyptians double that by promising to support  Gazan genocide.

The lights fade out gently. When the curtain goes up again, to everyone’s horror, OBL is at the center stage, dressed like  Darth Vader, he looks like a Hollywood prop. He sings,

“Hum arbi pathan ki baat mut poochoji, jo pyar kiya, toh pyar kiya, Jo nafrat ki, toh bomb maar diya."

Fear grips the audience. There is a pin drop silence,  the powerful suddenly look impotent. As usual the world looks to George Bush, who stands up and orders to shoot, “Kill him”, he says, “don’t worry about collateral damage”.

Just as mysteriously as he had appeared center stage a short while ago, OBL mysteriously disappears.  Not a single bullet touches OBL, but as usual, quite a few thousand innocent humans die that night. It is sad how  this bearded monster, and his goons, appear whenever there is a need to justify the killing of decent people or tarnish the institute of religion. OBL is there whenever the powers to be need to take over lands (Iraq). He is there whenever chaos has to be injected into a country (Pakistan) to destabilize it.We need to ask ourselves who does OBL actually works for. He certainly has done humanity no favors. From Indonesia  to North Africa to beyond, every home has paid a price for OBL’s deed.

One young child who lost his parents that night at the “Arabian Idol”, sets off on foot, like Ibn Batuta did centuries ago, on a “Journey to Mecca”.  Through treacherous terrain and harsh weather he belabors on to Mecca to ask God what was his crime that he took away his parents. With weak legs but strong resolve he marches on to Mecca. On seeing the Holy Kaaba for the first time, tranquility overcomes him, he surrenders to the will of Allah and prays  for peace, for all people, all over the world. He begs to God to send a superhero to free the world from oppression & injustice.  To restore free trade & free speech, and reduce the tax burden.  To free all occupied lands. 

Allah(swt) in his infinite wisdom accept his prayers, and sends down the Mahdi (the ultimate superhero).


Armed with the few pages from the script we headed to Kamaal R Khan’s office.  Kamaal denies ever sending the script to anyone except SRK.  

“Something has gone wrong here. There has to be some mistake. Why would I send my script to Dwarf Khan, when I need King Khan and only King Khan.”, he asks.

Kamaal R Khan clarifies, “My script requires The Mahdi to descend from heaven onto the Grand Mosque in Damascus Syria. I need special effects, and  only Red Chillies has the capabilities to make this happen. This is why I need SRK”.

Kamaal further adds, “The movie has kick arse violence because the Madhi fights the oppressors (occupiers),  the arrogant (today’s sold out leaders) and the ignorant (OBL type fake religious leaders).  On top of that the movie is slightly preachy, because the Mahdi shows where we have gone wrong.  The movie has no songs, and like CDI does not have a conventional heroine. Only SRK can pull this off. Amir Obama will fall way short, no pun intended. ”

We ask Kamaal R Khan if he thinks SRK would accept his offer, he replies, “One way or the other, Allah will send me my Mahdi. You wait and see, this world needs an honorable superhero”.

So my friends, fellow members, let us wait and watch. Let us wait for “Mahdi, the ultimate superhero”.

Written by :

Shaan Khan