FILMIKHABAR

Its official! Cinema has finally hit a new low in terms of what is served as entertainment to the audience. The Akshay-Kareena starrer pulls out all the stops to make the public force a chuckle, but the end result is as funny as watching paint dry slowly over a wall. Considering the fact that 60 crores and the Hollywood helping hand was put into delivering this inane monstrosity, it makes one wonder if someone lost the script in between all the production meetings, and a duplicate copy written by a 5 year old with idiot's syndrome was handed in as the final draft. After Chandni Chowk To China, I was sure that Akshay could not possibly stoop lower, until my memorable encounter with the first 15 minutes of Kambakht Ishq, which convinced me, Akshay had the omnipotent power of sinking to any level for his films.  Just as I was recovering from the sheer shock of the brainlessness, Akshay started to dance on the reception table as a drunk guy on viagra pictured women in bikinis.

What cardinal sin did humanity do to deserve this movie?

The storyline comes across as one of the most atrociously ridiculous screenplay in the history of films for a long time. It involves Akshay as the stuntman hating girls, Kareena as the supermodel , intolerant to the male species, and a singing watch. Revealling more would be equivalent to torture as anything and everything related to the dialogue and screenplay was just an excuse to run a string of one nonsensical slapstick gag after another. The movie truly pushed the barrier in banal comdey involving fart jokes, sex jokes, toilet jokes, gay jokes, disablity jokes and the entire lot just to pull a few gags. Unfortunately , it all seemed as hilarious as emptying my bowel contents in a supper dish. Yes, Kambakht Ishq tried very hard to make me laugh, but all I felt was an acute pain in my stomach for sitting through each scene as my head reeled with the imbecile acts notched one after another, thrusted into my face in the name of comedy.

The movie has a few  genuinely funny moments , like Akshay's trauma on seeing Kareena in the surgical ward, or the "Mangalam" track being mistaken as the national anthem. But moments like these are few and far between. For the rest, the audience is treated to a tasteless tale as Akshay and his stuntman buddies try to go one up on Kareena in the supposed battle of the sexes, which really is nothing more than a torture in the plexes!

Kareena looks hot, and dresses up like a high profile sleaze, all in the names of fashion. Her character is aptly described in her own words towards the end when she calls herself a "stuck up bitch". If I belonged to the canine female species, I would certainly feel insulted! She proves again that she can't act to save her life, or anyone else's for that matter. The emotional scenes makes one cringe at the sheer lack of effort on her mannerisms. Apparently, she got bored of the movie halfway through and decided to act on whatever briefs came to her mind at the moment.

Akshay tries what he does best, his hand at loud slapstick comedy. His idea of laughs seem to be whining, slapping and swearing at people for no apparent reason at all. His moves do work at times, but its too late too little to be of any saving grace into the already sinking movie.He stoops to an all time low , making most of his fans feel ashamed at the level he could go just for the sake of a commercial script. Singh might have been the king, but Akshay's glory days seem to be a thing of the distant past.

Aftab tries his best as the bumbling best friend of Akshay, but he seems to be sleepwalking through most of the scenes. When awake, he keeps throwing lustful stares at Amrita Arora or wallowing in self pity. We understand Aftab, by this point, the movie has reduced me to the same mental torture!!

Onto the hollywood biggies. Stalone looks a pale shadow of this towering form, as Brandon Routh appears in a blink and miss role with mannerisms as stiff as a spastic crane. But the creame de la creame goes to Dennise Richards for having the sheer mindlessness to accept a role that basically projects her as a horny bimbette. Thats Hollywood for you, going as low as the film script demands!

It would be a torture to discuss on dialgoue and screenplay of the movie so I am just going to summarise a few points I noted down( and attach them to Sabbir Khan along with my doctor's bill and claims for mental and psychologocial trauma):

Things I learnt from Kambakht Ishq :-

1. Medical school students double up as supermodels to pay up fees. I assume she is too "high profile" to just ask for an education loan.

2. A stuntman has a palatial bunglow and is courted by beautiful ladies all over, even multiple partners at times.

3. Stuntmen lead duplicate lives, and have a low IQ according to supermodels.

4. Airport officials use black ladies to strip search and dry hump guys in the search for drugs.

5. Surgeons wear singing watches during surgery, and a watch even inside the stomach can still have enough battery life to put a loud singtone every hour.

6.  Hollywood starlets are hot , horny, desperate for action and waiting to get married.

7. If you are being chased by goons, chances are you'll find Sylvester Stalone standing at an alley ready to kick them out with a parking meter a.ka. Sunny Deol style.

8.  The entire international film fraternity considers "Om Mangalam" as the Indian national anthem.

9. If you want hot dogs for free, just sue to the friendly neighbourhood hotdog seller.

10. Men are dogs and women are bitches, and this formula can actually stretch into a 2.5 hour film.

Honourable Moments In The Film:

9th minute: Did the girl really leave Brandon Routh standing and walk to Akshay? REALLLY??

15th minute: He just farted on her face and Aftab creamed her with a pie. Poor Amrita must be going through a traumatic career.

26th minute: Scarfs should apparenly be banned as it can cause huge road accidents!

38th minute: Akshay as black faced doctor or Abhishek Bachchan-who makes a better "kaala baandar" Take your pick.

47th minute: Drug search includes chapters straight out of sodomization and rape :-O

53rd minute: He's naked and standing in the balcony. Oh wait, he is naked in over half of the scenes!

78th minute: Underwater proposal is so romantic, provided you can hold your breath before you choke.

91st minute: It was Bebo's mom at fault. Hahaha, victory for the male species :-) .Her sister still looks hot though!

110 minutes: He loves Bebo and wants to marry Dennise just to prove that sick bastards get married. Apparenly stuntmen need to work on logic as well :-D

130 minutes: What better than a marriage tune being played to stop a marriage? ;-)

150 minutes:Oh they're kissing. Stopped, no started again! Watch the road!!!! Ok kissing again..and..AHHHHH STOP IT STOP IT!! FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE !

The film packs more insults , swearings and skin show than an underground soft porn  film and still walks away with an U/A certificate. The real genius has to be the director Sabbir Khan, for pulling the biggest con of the century, tricking audiences into thinking this would be some sort of a watch. What ends up is something which can be referred to as the most vulgar, tasteless and idiotic film to come to the industry in quite a few years.

Akshay, time to pack your bags. Kareena, I am ashamed of the fact that you even chose this film. Javed Jafrery and Boman Irani-please don't do such idiotic miniscule acts. Hollywood Brigade- you just gave the impression that the intrernational film coummnity is a bunch of dorky sex starved carnal predators. As for the director Sabbir Khan, I coud only wish you sleep well at nights after your lack of moral fibre has led to this nonsensical, egoistic piece of crap being hailed as a potential summer blockbuster!

No amount of dropping necklines or pulled up skirts can save this outrageous fiasco from being dumped at the trash bins. You'd be better of injured in a road accident than give this movie a watch!

My Rating: 1/5(Such Trash!!!)

Written by :

avirup2008

 

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DON   |Manager |2009-07-07 07:28:13 Brilliant, awesome, what not? This review even surpassed Masand one liners, oh my GOD, am literally on floor at the moment. What a bang! Thank You for such a laughter ride when i just woke up, you made my day man. Welcome back to FK >:D< Like i said in my review, its lousy dish, and its not just 'Torture', i think its 'Revenge' from Audience who accepted Singh is King type of films. Reply | Quote 2   1

Anuroop   |124.215.201.xxx |2009-07-08 06:41:39 Lolzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..Wat a review..its a complete laughter ride... I guess I was right for not opting to go for this crap. Reply | Quote 0   0

Vijay  - Will not watch this One   |115.184.142.xxx |2009-07-09 02:25:36 Lol What an Awesome review...Bang On Buddy :D some Akshay Fans make some sick comments on Shahrukh Movies, now what they wanna say, I am waiting to Interact with MOP (Gaurav) - that loser comes with one or the other stupid stuff to back his Hero :D.. Though SRK has done some Brainless movies, he will go into such Cheap and Crap Movie which has NO Sense and shows Vulgarity, Cheap Humor in it... What say Akshay Fans !!! Your Hero is Sinking down !!! go and save him :D lol Brilliant Writing Avi, you Rock Reply | Quote 0   0

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