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At my grade school I still hold the records in sports, in studies and yes in punishment. Had it not been for the fact that I was a very good student, and very good at sports, I would have been thrown out of the school. Yes, I was a mischievous kid (responsible, and capable, but slightly mischievous). Walking out of Jodha Akbar (“JA”), I saw all the punishment I had suffered at school flash in front of my eyes (that was the effect of JA on me). Sitting through JA is worse than any punishment, apart from that being an insult to one’s intelligence. The problem is not just that JA is very long, yes, the length of Jodha Akbar is a problem, that being said let us recognize that there are many movies that are long and simultaneously wonderful. The problem with JA is that it is at least three movies at conflict with each other. Sadly the parts do not work like the diverse components of an orchestra to produce sweet music, instead they work against each other for attention and therefore prevent the audience to get completely vested.

Alejandro González Iñárritu has made a couple of movies with diverse sub plots where the sum of the parts is greater than the whole (e.g. Amores Perros). Closer to Bollywood, Anurag Base also has used such a narrative format in Life in a Metro (lesser quality and technique than Alejandro’s works but definitely good). The rich content of Jodha Akbar that aSHITtos GAWAARikar (“AG”) wanted to regale us with demanded an Alejandro like treatment, hence the first & foremost structural mistake that AG made was that he used a narrative format that does not suit the richness of Jodha Akbar. Regardless of anything, on account of the narrative structure, the outcome was doomed to be dull & boring.

Having committed himself to a boring narrative style (this is not a statement against linear story telling) for his rich content, AG should have at the very least made the i) Political Intrigue, and the ii) Domestic Household Squabbles, subservient to the romance between Jodha and Akbar. That would have provided a central arc which the audience could have got themselves vested to. Unfortunately, AG gives all the sub plots equal attention and thereby compounds the error in the Jodha Akbar’s narration. It is therefore not at all surprising that JA is not finding any traction with the audience.

Without doubt the romance plot works the best, but this is just relatively speaking. The fact is that the various plots are handled so poorly that in comparison the romance plot seems good, feels almost like a relief. Nonetheless, when taken on its absolute strength, the romance plot too is very mundane. Take for example, the scene when Akbar asks Jodha if she loves him. In that scene AG raises some drama & expectation. We are led to believe that some out of body type experience is about to be witnessed and just when we have our hopes high, the sun rises and what follows is so disappointing because everything on the screen appears washed out due to overexposure (too bright). Now compare this with the visual pay off in 1969’s Mackenna’s Gold. There too the director, at the start of a scene, winks and nods that something exciting is about to happen, then when the sun rises, what we see is such a visual treat that it has become part of movie legend. In a nutshell this scene from JA sums up the problem, JA does not fulfill the expectation one had of it.

People say the darnest things. Woody Allen illustrates this via a joke about two ladies who go to a restaurant, one says that the food is awful, and the other responds, “Yes, and the quantity is so small too”. Well the point is that if the food is awful then quantity being less should be a good thing. Vice versa when something is good then the quantity being more is equally a good thing. Hence I cannot understand how those that claim JA to be a masterpiece, also complain that it is too long, or that some portions are outright ridiculous. I do understand that something is rotten in the State of Demark Bollywood these days. Ever since CDI and OSO, evey Tom, Dick and Harry wants to be SRK like. Hence I ask, if AG’s JA is a masterpiece, then how come the war portion and political intrigue portion of JA could have been done better by Sanjay Gupta (master of monkey see monkey do style of movie making) ? How can JA be a masterpiece when the domestic squabbles portion could have been done better by Ekta Kapoor ? Likewise, the romance portion could have been done better by K Jo or Yash Chopra and the research on this subject could have been done better by Dr Chandra Prakash Dwivedi. JA could have been something, should have been something, but in essence has ended up being a missed opportunity. The person who should be blamed for JA’s debacle is AG. There is this scene where Akbar goes to a market place to gauge the mood of the people. The scene starts with a wise Akbar advising his advisors how they should behave and ends up proving Akbar to be a buffoon. Or consider the scene where Akbar is his Royal Court gets up and dances. Or the scene where Akbar pleads for more room to make his own decision. With friends like AG, Mohammad Jallaludin Akbar does not need enemies. AG’s Akbar is insecure and weak and led by his nose by Jodha and his advisors.

Hritikh Roshan’s star power has allowed JA a decent opening week but from next week onward the content of the movie will kill any BO prospects. JA proves that HR is a bigger star than Ranbir Kapoor but not as big as SRK or Akshay Kumar. AG should thank his lucky star that HR bailed him out, just imagine what would have happened if JA had Lil C instead (Umrao Jaan anybody?).

Ashwariya in contrast to HR goes a better job. AG it seems has been kind to her in JA. There is rumor going around that while in Jaipur, Ashwariya missed her husband a lot, and hence out of sheer kindness, AG inserted an item song, “Kwaja Mere Kwaja” with a Lil C look alike (with beard and all). Anyway regardless of whether the rumor is correct or not, Aswariya looks at ease in her role.

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