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Lately, Cibelle has been spending a lot of time at my house, teaching Rahim Chacha, how to make comfort food. Needless to say, Rahim Chacha cannot do anything, certainly not cooking, without his music from the 50s and the 60s. So while Cibelle is teaching Rahim Chacha how to make that perfect macaroni and cheese, he has been teaching her Desi music and by extension, Urdu. I don’t like music that much and certainly not music from before my time, but it is my destiny now to tolerate Cibelle’s inspired bursts into a bollywood song. I cannot tell you how hard it is to keep a straight face when Cibelle sings, she can hold a tune but butchers the words completely.

This morning as I got out of bed, Cibelle started singing, “Abhi Na Jaao Chore Ke , Ke Dil Abhi Bhara Nahin ”. Now this is after she woke me up a few times last night with, “Chal Sanyasi Mandir Mein, Teri Chaabi Mera Taala Saath Saath Khankhaege” I was on the seventh heaven last night, generally girls don’t like to “sing” as much. Hence this morning listening to her sing, “Abhi Na Jaao…”, I said to myself, “Nayki Aur Pooch Pooch” and dived back into the bed into the tender waiting arms of Cibelle.

Alas the bliss was short lived. SLB was at my door, ringing the bell while simultaneously banging on it with his fists. As I heard Rahim Chacha walk up to the door and let him in, I quickly took a shower and changed out of my night clothes.

“Good morning” I said walking down the stairs to SLB.

“I am sorry to barge in like this, but I am very upset and wanted to talk to someone” said SLB sounding very apologetic.

“No problem, what are friends for”, I said, dismissing any need for an apology.

I knew why he was here. I knew why he was upset. SLB had recently made the mistake of going on a head on battle against SRK and was now paying the price of going head on against SRK. He was hurting, and being tightly wound, he could not get past the bone crushing defeat he had suffered. It was pointless to remind SLB that it was SRK who had made him the big time director that he was today (or at least until Saaborriya was released). SRK had made him, first by agreeing to work with him in Devdas, and next by financing Devdas out of his own pockets when Bharat Shah (no relation to Akshay Shaggo) the producer of Devdas went into a serious problematic phase. All that gratitude was now forgotten, SLB saw only blood.

I remember not very long ago SLB was so cocky and full of himself, that he decided to release his movie on the same day as SRK’s Om Shanti Om (“OSO”). It was not long thereafter that he found himself unable to match SRK’s marketing blitz. Rather than cut his losses and go into damage control mode, perhaps change the date of Saaboreriya’s release, SLB went for a “rope a dope” strategy which dictated that he keep the content of Saaboreiya a surprise, i.e. making the surprise the little engine that could (win the audience over), while simultaneously hoping that by the time of its release, OSO would be exhausted due to overexposure. SLB’s intention, it seems, was to announce smugly, “He who laughs last, laughs the longest”. Nonetheless like a true thorough bred, SRK, the Seabiscuit, kept on going without being exhausted, and in the end, SLB’s gamble backfired. Instead of laughing at the world, the world was laughing at him. OSO got a “Double Whammy”, i.e. the benefit of an energized marketplace, compounded by the windfall of a receding competition. On the other hand SLB got a rejection, his delusion of grandeur dented, his reputation tarnished.

So there was SLB in my library, sitting on the edge of the sofa by the bay window overlooking the 18th hole at an adjoining golf course. I told him I saw good intentions in his efforts. Perhaps, if he had focused on telling the story rather than grooming Ranbir & Soona. Perhaps, if he had managed the audiences’ expectation better with his promos he would have seen a better response. But SLB was in mood for any of that. “I have decided to show the world and especially SRK that I too can make a Masalla Movie” he erupted. “I will make the mother of all Masalla Movies” he added.

“Take it easy”, I said “Loosing against the Don Jungli Billa Khan of Bollywood should not be such a badge of shame, it is not as if you lost against the serial looser, Big B. Things could have been worse. You are a winner just for having had the opportunity to go up against SRK”.

“I don’t want to hear any of that consolation talk Shaan”, SLB cut in, “I am going to make a Masalla movie right away. In fact I am going to remake OSO “

“Sanjay, it is not that easy to make a Masalla movie. It may appear so but in fact it is even more difficult than making the pretentious bull shit that the Khasi Bakra, Anurag Kashyap makes”. I said trying to reason, and before he could cut in, I added, “Now listen to me before you say anything. Some time back Gurinder X-Large Chaddi thought she could do a K Jo or a Sooraj Barjatya . But after making “Bride and Prejudice” she went from Gurinder X-Large Chaddi to Gurinder Bina Chaddi. She lost all her reputation. You would be wise not to try to be Farah Khan”

Once again SLB cut in, “No No Shaan I have decided I will remake OSO and that is that. In fact I will compose the music and write the songs as well”

“Really” I said trying to play along.

“Yes, I will make an even more mindless item song than Dard-E-Disco” SLB said arrogantly.

“Is that right, a mindless item song about pain” I said, rolling my eyes.

Without any warning, SLB got up, removed his shirt, mimicking SRK’s dance steps, started to sing to the tune of Dard-E-Disco, “ Dhungun Mein Mere Hai Sundaas Ke Lende, Sundaas Ke Lende, Dhungun Mein Mere Hai Sundaas Ke Lende … Yeh Paani Puri, Yeh Bhel Puri, Yeh Ragda Paytis, Kar Gayee Apni Jadoogari, Payt Mein Garbar Hai Machi….Dhungun Mein Mere Hai Sundaas Ke Lende, Sundaas Ke Lende, Dhungun Mein Mere Hai Sundaas Ke Lende…Sundaas Ke Lende, Sundaas Ke Lende ”

“Wait, wait, what kind of rubbish is that, where is the Dard” I said while holding my head with both my hands.

“I am taking Lil C as my hero, he is fiber deficient, you know, as in constipated. The Dard will be there alright. There will be huffing and puffing too. It will be there when he tries to release his Sundaas Ke Lende into the Sundaas” SLB explained.

“This is disgusting. Oh man this is filthy” I said as I got up to walk away.

“Oh come on as if Dard-E-Disco was some poetry. This is the mother of all mindless songs” said SLB urging me to sit down and listen.

“I told you, this is not your cup of tea. It is not as easy as you think. People don’t want to see Lil C relieve himself, pain or no pain, with or without the huffing and the puffing. Tell me , is this your big idea, Dhungun Mein Mere Hai Sundaas Ke Lende”. I said, trying my best to project as much disbelief as possible.

SLB stood still for a moment, then said “Now I see what people have always said about you, you just stick up for SRK“. With that he started to walk away

A little defensive I tried to refute him “Well that is not true. I am in fact being a good friend by telling you that this idea is stupid just like your idea to make Saaboreriya. There is no way Saaboreriya would have amounted to anything. I give you credit for making the attempt but it was not a commercially feasible venture. But this OSO remake will kill any shred of credibility you may still posses. I suggest you take a long break, come back after a few years when people have forgotten Saaboreriya and then start all over again”.

Feeling insulted, SLB left in a hurry. Alas I fear we will be seeing a yet another RGV in the making.

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